《South of the Border, West of the Sun》不知道为什么，我总觉得村上的书，英文译本的比中文的读起来更有感觉.

我喜欢的文字似乎还是都比较颓，或许是因为最近在做一些毫无意义的事情吧，每天无情的在侮辱我嘟嘟的智商呐............

this wise book is full of truth:

1.abt oneself...
i tried once more, to reinvent myself. Becoming someone new, I could correct the errors of my past. At first I was optimistic: I could pull it off. But in the end, no matter where I went, I could never change. Over and over again I made the same mistake, hurt other people and hurt myself into the bargain.

2.when life went downhill...like what I've been through recently
that made me close in on myself even more. A vicious circle, you could call it. I was as if I was stuck inside a well...One thing goes wrong, then the whole house of cards collapses. And there's no way you can extricate yourself. Until someone comes along to drag you out.

3. something is eating me up
I'm always feel as if I'm struggling to become someone else. As if I'm trying to find a new place, grab hold of a new lif, a new personality. I suppose it's part of growing up, yet it's also an attempt to re-invent myself. By becoming a different me, I could free myself of everything. I seriously believed I could escape myself- as long as I made the effort. But I always hit a dead end. No matter where I go, I still end up me. What's missing never changes. The scenery may change, but I'm still the same old incomplete person. The same missing elements torture me with a hunger that I can never satisfy. I think that lack itself is as close as I'll come to defining myself. For your sake, I'd like to become a new person. It may not be easy, but if i give it my all, perhaps I can manage to change. The truth is, though, if I were put back in the same situation,i might well do the same thing all over again.

4.abt music...
Whenever i heard that languid, beautiful melody, those days came back to me. it wasn't what i'd characterize as a happy part of my life, living as i was, a balled-up mass of unfulfilled desires. I was much younger, much hungrier, much more alone. but i was myself, pared down to the essentials. I could feel each single note of music, each line i read, seep down deep inside me. My nerves were as sharp as a blade, my eyes shining with a piercing light. And every time i heard that music, i recalled my eyes then, glaring back at me from a mirror.

ok, i hope this is A closure for the past and i could just keep my chin up for the future

depression can overtake you only if yourself let it consume you...........by entertaining it in your own mind......errrrrrrrrrr...........apparently i DID..........

that's how this uninvited guest none other than this old friend of mine -depression, had come for visit again, when i was lying on my bed in the dark lately. and, it all started with that one single sigh.....

i tried not to entertain it by thinking all of the blessings i've had, people and things i have, happiest moments, achievements... i even tried to put a smile on my face. all of these didnt seem to be working. i just kept succumbing to all these negative emotions....

well, life has been a wild roller coaster ride for me. one moment, you're floating among the clouds... then suddenly you found yourself going through so much hell the next.

just this year alone, a lot has happened and most of them brought tears in my eyes and NO, i dont mean tears of joy. until now, am going through something that's pushing me to the edge of my sanity. with all the jokes and punches that life has been throwing at me, am surprised i havent gone crazy yet. am starting to feel like nothing really matters to me anymore.

if you think you are beaten, then you are! if you think you dare not, then you wont. success begins at your own will... it's all in your state of mind. life's battles are not always won by those who stronger or faster. sooner or later, the person who wins is the person who thinks he can.  I can or I can't?? either both choices are right... what will yours be?

I sure am going to miss sitting here in my room in front of my laptop, thinking and writing stuff about my "miserable life". for now, i wish everybody all the best things life can offer.

这篇blog与旅行无关,借用丽江古城里一间客栈的名字作为题目
或者说，我都不知道自己游记哪年能写完，现在还没写到进藏呢，堆quote：下次进藏以前写完就成

"悲伤分为五个阶段.虽然每人情况更不相同，但都可以分为这五个阶段.否认，愤怒，交涉，消沉，接受."

在人生的某个十字路口上，做出一个比较重要的选择，我想每个人都是深思熟虑过的
既然是认真考虑很久的决定，基本也不会轻易再去改变再去反复

从2008年11月正式决定回国，到现在2009年的10月，有个小一年了
伴之而来的是这一年中两个悲伤的cycle，现在所处的位置，是第二个循环的消沉阶段
当然，不是每个阶段的时间长短都一样
用来最后否认的过程一般较长，愤怒和交涉的时间最短，消沉的时间最长，而从消沉到接受又是最艰难的

人消沉了，心中的那件事儿那个人就跟着沉到心底里去了，这使得它更方便不分昼夜地侵蚀着摧残着整个人
所谓外到筋骨皮,内到心肝肺呐
任何一个正常的人，终日暴露在这种辐射之下，基本上也健康不到哪儿去
或许接受了，就轻松了
又或许接受了，却是另外一个悲伤循环的开始

做一个坚强的人很辛苦,但除了坚强,我一无所有

7月13日出发的滇藏行程，7月8日凌晨5点我就起了床，早上8点嘟嘟的直飞回了丽江，为的是参加我与大侄子“俩神经病的聚会”这一病坛盛事（上一次离开这个机场是同年6月20日他的生日当天/我生日的前一天）。

 和大多数人一样，最最开始丽江吸引我们的就是那种懒散的生活方式。但是后来，我们发现那些完全商业化运作的酒吧也好商铺也好，让人静动皆宜，丽江的运作堪称完美。懒散宁静的生活并不等同于我们愿意住在闭关修行般的束河古镇，正所谓高处不胜寒啊，当然也并不等同于我们愿意终日流连在四方街连小强都能震死的高强BASS里。 在丽江，宁静致远和人声鼎沸同样唾手可得。往往这一刻还拥挤于喧闹的街市里，踏在被南来北往的人们踩的光滑发亮的石板路上，下一刻就不经意拐进某个小巷，小桥流水别有洞天。若是把自己藏在像“崇仁”这样的静街书吧里，抬眼望去只见窗外高高矮矮的瓦片古屋，低头静静的翻看书页，举杯抿一口清茶，恍若已在另外一个人世间。

7月丽江，慵懒的白天，睡醒懒觉的我，会慢悠悠的从古城外走去找青年旅社堆，然后去“布拉格咖啡”或者“藏餐吧”消磨午后的闲散时光，喝茶，看书，发呆，写字。下次有机会去丽江的朋友，别忘了在布拉格咖啡找到这本丽江往事喏 2009.6.27 小堆&小米

丽江的夜生活里，一半时间我们在"樱花屋"，在"后街五号"这种说话都要提高八个分贝对方还听不清楚的喧闹酒吧里，拼酒也好，看热舞的MM们也好，总之和在北京或者悉尼的任何一间PUB里没啥区别。另外一半时间，我们满丽江的寻找“感觉对的清吧”，企图去听听音乐，喝喝小酒。遗憾的是没有去久负盛名的"38号"，而一头扎在了同在五一街上的“班达”，在旅行的后几天，那儿几乎成了小堆免费驻唱的地方了。氤氲的灯光，温暖的火塘，及窗外丽江那淅沥的雨，双手捂着我的姜汁可乐，耳边响起的是许巍的《故乡》：

“我是永远向着远方独行的浪子
你是茫茫人海之中我的女人
在异乡的路上每一个寒冷的夜晚
这思念它如刀让我伤痛”

尽管这些年来，我似乎也是个一直向着远方独行的浪子。这一路的走来，谁能告诉我把自己的灵魂丢在哪里了么？

"小隐于野,大隐于市." 我想丽江古镇给我们带来的震撼和感觉是永远不可磨灭和替代的，
这也就带来了如下的约定：
30岁以后，米和堆赚了足够的钱，回丽江开个"同福客栈",一个佟掌柜，一个吕秀才，
同时诚征四人：郭芙蓉，白展堂，李大嘴和祝无双，从此以后过着小隐于世的生活the end
附加条件:即使我结婚了，这个约定也永远不变，所以莫小贝就不用征了，哈哈

滇藏之行过去已经两个多月了，每每在朋友处看着从西藏带回来的转经轮，明信片儿，阿土伯买的游记都不自觉的失落。离开的愈久就愈发开始怀念拉萨，心里不断的后悔当初没有多留几天时间逛遍拉萨每个角落，走过一条街道，拜过每一间寺庙，如今相隔甚远，心中回到拉萨的渴望却愈发的强烈。

藏地是一片有灵气的疆域，是能激发起人的梦想的神圣之地，憧憬着下一次的纳木错，海拔4700，我会支个帐篷，这样一整夜就能躺着看到银河转动；等待着着下一次“混在藏民里冒充藏族学生”，在大昭寺里一尊一尊佛祖那么拜将过去；期盼着下一次穿行于拉萨的旧巷古街之间，流连于大小藏式书吧之中；希翼着能在拉萨周边一个民间孤儿院教几个月书，尽管我的体能有限，海拔3650无法长期健康生存.

那天面面说我用两个月的时间旅行，之后再用两个月的时间去怀念我的旅行。而藏地如一种烙印，去过那里的人，终究会再回去，它会在梦中（包括白日梦里），不断的召唤着你。尽管现在的我却不确定还有多久，自己才能再次收拾好心情，怀着旅人之心上路，继续前行。

一个人的旅程，是孤独的苦行，而人生又何尝不是一段苦旅呢？

having a week from hell : i could not sleep, i could not eat, i could not control my temper, I'm living in despair

then after 5 and half days, i freaked out. when i lost myself somewhere, i ignore other ppl's feelings, starting  talking like shit , did things i don't mean to and eventually hurt ppl who luv me.now i feel guilty , and finally i wake up .i could have it all, i was so close to the perfect life, but  i think i just screwed myself over, again...

did i follow my heart? did i go with the flow? or did i even know where I'm going? I guess it just wasn't meant to be

anyways, from this day on, I'll stop being hyper-sensitive,stop mourning without object, stop my negative emotions.here comes my favorite quote "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be."

我，似乎每时每刻都是矛盾着的
不知道其他双子座的小孩儿们是不是一样的哈？
每次读起六世达赖仓央嘉措的《那一世》都会不自觉的陷入作者无限的悲哀和伤感之中
也都会无法控制自己一遍又一遍的重复着那些诗句

有时候我想自己是太感性了，总会因为别人的故事而伤断自己的心肠
同时，也会因为别人的幸福而由衷的感觉到幸福，从心底里就那么欢欣雀跃起来
回国所经历过得3次喜宴，其中2次伴娘
每当在台上台下看着新郎新娘对对方说我愿意的时候，真是控制不住自己发自内心的微笑

我想，明天我亲爱凑的婚礼，会是非常的圆满呢，一定是这样的喏
台上的一对人儿这一生就是为彼此制造的，都是最完美也是最最圆满的撒


双子座的另一个小孩儿，又在同时劝着另一个撒：
情爱可以度人、度世，过之，则可致人万劫不复.只有参悟了寂灭之理，才能在修行道路是再进一步.
那个小孩儿，你明白了吗？
看来，你早就懂了，放下了，就得到了.

Natasha Beddingfield 的 Soulmate：最近听得最多的一首歌了，得有个百八十遍吧

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

洛克线——洛克一线：洛克的两次穿越到稻城，第一次是从西昌穿越到稻城：西昌—木里县城—野生马鹿场—寸冬海子—苦巴店寺—桃巴大峡谷—木里大寺—水洛—兰满—嘟噜—白水河—呷洛—曹瓦旗—日萨—冲古寺—亚丁—稻城。第二次是从木里穿越到稻城：木里县城—嘟噜—白水河—满措—瓦科措—恰朗多吉神峰—杂巴朗— 曲纽阿措祝姆—降碧勇 —先乃泽—鲁绒牛场—冲古寺—亚丁—稻城。

洛克二线主要是探访宗教圣地，这条线路主要是探访西昌周边的佛教圣地：西昌—木里县城—野生马鹿场—苦巴店寺—桃巴大峡谷—木里大寺—瓦尔寨大寺—云揽堡瀑布—机依原始森林—鸭咀牧场—鸭嘴自然保护区—寸冬海子—康坞大寺—木里县城—西昌。

在两次穿越到稻城时，洛克发现了贡嘎，他在贡嘎地区停留了七天之久，这条线路就是洛克三线：西昌—木里县城—野生马鹿场—寸冬海子—康坞大寺—鸭嘴自然保护区—鸭咀牧场—913林场—田镇—麦地龙温泉—罗乐沟—麦地龙贡嘎—物动湖—陇东—归里—倮波—冕宁—西昌.

家人及铁磁们都在身边，让我每天都活得感觉特别真实

我甚至能实时体会和感觉到我的快乐，是怎么感染身边的家人的，哈哈
近一周闲得有点心烦，和家里人说我想进藏
除了奶奶以外，本上每个人都说，去玩吧赶紧去，趁现在多休息休息以后工作就没机会了
这个月还正好赶上妈妈出三次差，说月底走青藏线坐火车去西安，带我看兵马俑去。。。

上一次的旅行计划当中，由于越南霍乱，家里人不让去，未遂

月底回来一定要收心找工作鸟
旅行回来才2周，还在去朋友咖啡馆的前提下
我都觉得自己快要闲到长毛了

（当然，疯狂的SHOPPING可以给我带来很大的快感，让我暂时忘记烦恼
不过在无收入的状态下，烧包要受到客观条件的限制
这让我太不尽兴........没有信用卡了不知道是好事儿还是坏事儿撒）

 

看来我真是个受虐的命
所有人都说你可以用半年时间慢慢找工作然后慢慢享受生活
可是我的个性可能就是适合要么疯狂的玩，要么拼命地工作吧